Summer is about to blitz all up into your glaucoma-ridden eyeballs with lush amounts of sunshine, so you might as well get yourself some shades soon before it's all too late.
I've yet to see Noah's Ark these last few days here in upstate New York. I'm expecting to soon, given the gallons of rain we've endured the last few days. The sun has refused to make an an appearance, much like it does here in the fall. Great! More time to do things outdoors before humidity might as well take a rusty jackhammer to my sinuses.
The jackhammers wouldn't have been necessary in the great southwest. I'm talking Phoenix. Desert. Sun. Dryness. People that STEAL CARS YOU FUCKING ASSHOL...er, sorry. Anyway, that town was nuts, man. A good nuts. Hot nuts. Yeah, really hot. That's it.
That town needed something, man.
On one particular newscast, a local station featured an interesting story. A random gal severely disinterested in motherhood decided to say fuck it and go shopping. Cool, whatever, right? Only one thing - she left her baby in the car. Horrible! But no! This is Phoenix we're talking about here. IN JULY. On any given day that month, the temps scorch past 110 degrees Fahrenheit. Often, it's breaking triple digits before noon. So that ain't no thang to Phoenicians, really. Just another day. However, we're talking about a fucking baby here, and this "mom" is talking about how she's sorry and please don't punish her and what not. Okay, sure. We won't. We'll just shame you on television, then later you'll pay a monetary fine for, you know, almost killing your poor child.
But, it gets better. Way better. This is the desert after all.
Immediately following the story of this poor suffering unfit parent who was clearly the victim in all this, the news station decided to take things a step further. Since local news people feel this innate desire to somehow connect with their community, the station featured a segment offering tips to ensure baby safety in the searing Phoenix sun. Well, that's awfully nice of them. But not just any baby safety, specifically those involving the baby in the car. And even more specific -
Tips for remembering your baby is in the car.
This is the world now in which we reside. Pass a tiny human through your body? Well, clearly your mind has somehow wandered and you just casually forgot about them in the back seat of your fucking car. So, the news station reports, here are some tips for remembering your baby is in the car. Because you ain't got time to worry about that sort of thing. Baby? What baby?
Tip #1 (and the only tip I'm disclosing because this is stupid enough as it is): Place your purse in the backseat with the baby. Your purse. Where the money is, maybe a phone, eyeliner, you know. Important shit. Go on, put it back there with that thing cooing and gaga-ing and staring right at you. Maybe if a bag containing all the really important things to you sits next to that tiny creature in the back seat, it will jostle your memory enough to realize you're somehow a parent.
But for Christ's sake, please don't forget that purse before you close the door and walk away.
I've yet to see Noah's Ark these last few days here in upstate New York. I'm expecting to soon, given the gallons of rain we've endured the last few days. The sun has refused to make an an appearance, much like it does here in the fall. Great! More time to do things outdoors before humidity might as well take a rusty jackhammer to my sinuses.
The jackhammers wouldn't have been necessary in the great southwest. I'm talking Phoenix. Desert. Sun. Dryness. People that STEAL CARS YOU FUCKING ASSHOL...er, sorry. Anyway, that town was nuts, man. A good nuts. Hot nuts. Yeah, really hot. That's it.
That town needed something, man.
On one particular newscast, a local station featured an interesting story. A random gal severely disinterested in motherhood decided to say fuck it and go shopping. Cool, whatever, right? Only one thing - she left her baby in the car. Horrible! But no! This is Phoenix we're talking about here. IN JULY. On any given day that month, the temps scorch past 110 degrees Fahrenheit. Often, it's breaking triple digits before noon. So that ain't no thang to Phoenicians, really. Just another day. However, we're talking about a fucking baby here, and this "mom" is talking about how she's sorry and please don't punish her and what not. Okay, sure. We won't. We'll just shame you on television, then later you'll pay a monetary fine for, you know, almost killing your poor child.
But, it gets better. Way better. This is the desert after all.
Immediately following the story of this poor suffering unfit parent who was clearly the victim in all this, the news station decided to take things a step further. Since local news people feel this innate desire to somehow connect with their community, the station featured a segment offering tips to ensure baby safety in the searing Phoenix sun. Well, that's awfully nice of them. But not just any baby safety, specifically those involving the baby in the car. And even more specific -
Tips for remembering your baby is in the car.
This is the world now in which we reside. Pass a tiny human through your body? Well, clearly your mind has somehow wandered and you just casually forgot about them in the back seat of your fucking car. So, the news station reports, here are some tips for remembering your baby is in the car. Because you ain't got time to worry about that sort of thing. Baby? What baby?
Tip #1 (and the only tip I'm disclosing because this is stupid enough as it is): Place your purse in the backseat with the baby. Your purse. Where the money is, maybe a phone, eyeliner, you know. Important shit. Go on, put it back there with that thing cooing and gaga-ing and staring right at you. Maybe if a bag containing all the really important things to you sits next to that tiny creature in the back seat, it will jostle your memory enough to realize you're somehow a parent.
But for Christ's sake, please don't forget that purse before you close the door and walk away.