On a seasonably warm Friday afternoon, a friend and I decided a new adventure should be in order. And because we both live life on the motherfucking edge, this adventure was going to involve grocery shopping. A brand new place! And not just new in location, but new as in new new. As in they just built that shit, man. This was going to be the greatest afternoon ever.
This new place was a grocery chain new to town, located on the south side. Our interest - like many other folks, I'm sure - was peaked ultimately by the incessant advertising the store took announcing it was coming to the area. Hi X Town, we're coming. Hello, X Town, we're on our way. Hi X Town, we're almost there. Soon, X Town, very soon. Hey X Town did you hear? We're almost there. Welcome to us, X Town. Please come in. Enjoy us X Town. We're here. We're open. Hey X Town, we're open now. Did you hear? We are open for you, X Town. Please, come in and enjoy us. We are here for you!
We decided to give it a go a little over two weeks after the store opened. The first task of course was navigating down that way. There's definitely no better time for this journey than five-thirty on a Friday afternoon. Just the absolute perfect time. My initial thought upon the first long traffic jam was hoo-boy, this new store must be pretty damn popular. No, no - this was just the immense amount of people who evidently all live down this way. Two other thoroughfares happen to run parallel with this particular road, but on this fateful day everyone, their mother, and extended family all decided they were taking this one home. And we were stuck right in the thick of it.
After a grueling commute that lasted no less than thirty-nine minutes and twenty-seven seconds, we finally arrived at our destination. Well, we almost did. Took a wrong left at a light that totally looked as though it connected into the plaza. Of course it didn't. Of course. We reach the short hill before the parking lot, a stand-alone Starbucks to my right. I happen to make eye contact with one of the employees through the window, where I likely failed to properly ingest his look of disappointment. Fuck that guy. We're about to make history here. One of the first few hundred shoppers at a new grocery store! We'll probably get a shirt or something, I bet. Maybe a bumper sticker. Beer koozies?
Turns out those freebies aren't meant for those who arrive nineteen days after the Grand Opening. Well, shit. But before we entered this fine establishment, we noticed a little phenomenon of sorts. While creeping up and down the rows searching for a place to park, we saw a shopper here or there with their grocery carts headed back to their vehicles. No big deal, but every one of the carts was being pushed by a different store employee. Interesting. Was this mandatory? Gosh, I hope not. I'm not a big people person. Not to mention I'm perfectly capable of pushing my own groceries to the car, thank you very much. Arthritis, blindness and/or Cirrhosis haven't debilitated me quite yet. We find a spot, jump out the ride, and venture on into this classy joint with stout curiosity.
Once inside, there were shoppers milling around at multiple stations providing fresh food such as subs, soups, cheeses, olives, and deli meats. Good times. A store employee leaves her deli station and starts walking down the produce aisle, where the flow of the store seems to have us headed. She smiles and says hello to us as she straightens a few bags of lettuce. Hello back, lady. Try not to bother us, okay? We've got things to do here. Carrots, broccoli, onions, and potatoes all fall into our cart, their price points nothing really special to write home about. Hang a quick right to where there's some lady offering samples of God knows what. Produce, I guess. Cheese? Whatever. No thanks. Five feet later, another sample table. No, no thanks. A few more feet, another sample table. Uh, no. Even a few more feet, yet another sample table. NO! No we don't want any, goddamn. A left around the corner there's a decent wine selection, with, you guessed it, a wine sample table. Across from that was yet another sample table. By the time we were able to navigate through the congested swath of people shoving little sample cups in our path, we were already annoyed.
The store itself was in tip-top shape. Clean lines, straightened product pushed to the edge of shelves, and almost flawless endcaps with perfect rows of snacks and other impulse buys. From a technical perspective, this place hasn't gone to shit. Not yet, anyway. Three weeks in you can expect that sort of thing.
Up and down the aisles we collected our necessities, and every moment an employee passed, they tried to be engaging. Hello, how are you doing today? Finding everything you're looking for? Need help with anything? What else are you shopping for today? Look folks, settle down, please. We know how to shop for groceries. We got this, we really do. Yeah, I'm pretty tall I can reach that top shelf just fine, thank you. No, no, you don't have to fetch something for me down in aisle four that would go well with this. Just...stop. Please.
We passed on the beer selection. Maybe if one enjoyed the typical macro-brewed carbonated urine. I'm not in college anymore, so goodnight Busch Light. There was also no small section for mixers, specifically Bloody Mary mix. Guess that's a big no-no down in this part of town. Or maybe the Bible-thump booze laws of this county haven't cast their Jesus Seal of Approval on graciously allowing this store to sell such devilish things. Whatever it was, we weren't impressed.
The real fun began at the checkout lanes. I guess the cool "rockstar customer service" thing to do now is to have some employee directing you which lane to go to. "You can go down six." How about you can go down my butt. I'll go wherever the hell I want, lady. By this point, my friend had to use the restroom, leaving me to my own devices. I manage to encounter one of the most ridiculous cashiers I've ever experienced. Is this your first time here? How was your shopping experience? Did you find everything you were looking for? Is there something maybe you didn't find that one of our personal shoppers can retrieve for you? Are you sure? YES I AM SURE. It wouldn't be a problem at all! Yes it would, because I will karate chop you in the throat if you beckon anyone for me right now.
At the end of the transaction, the bagger finishes stuffing our cart and just starts walking out the door with it.
ME: Uh, hey buddy, where ya going with our stuff?
BAGGER PERSON: Oh I was just bringing it out to your car!
ME: That's okay, I've got it from here.
BAGGER PERSON: Oh no I don't mind at all! It's part of our job!
And there's our curiosity from when we first rolled into the parking lot. Their employees are required to relentlessly try and push your groceries to your car. This would be excellent customer service if we were all ninety years old with canes and walkers. Somehow I managed to convince this fellow that it is perfectly alright for me to bring my own groceries to my own car. I scooted on out of there before he tried any more of his evil manipulative take-your-cart ways.
There is definitely a concept of too much customer service - and this new grocery store and their overly-engaging and super eager to help employees is a mighty fine way to alienate shoppers and keep the retention low. You're way too enthusiastic about helping someone at a fucking grocery store. Pump the brakes and let us shop. We know how to, really we do.
This new place was a grocery chain new to town, located on the south side. Our interest - like many other folks, I'm sure - was peaked ultimately by the incessant advertising the store took announcing it was coming to the area. Hi X Town, we're coming. Hello, X Town, we're on our way. Hi X Town, we're almost there. Soon, X Town, very soon. Hey X Town did you hear? We're almost there. Welcome to us, X Town. Please come in. Enjoy us X Town. We're here. We're open. Hey X Town, we're open now. Did you hear? We are open for you, X Town. Please, come in and enjoy us. We are here for you!
We decided to give it a go a little over two weeks after the store opened. The first task of course was navigating down that way. There's definitely no better time for this journey than five-thirty on a Friday afternoon. Just the absolute perfect time. My initial thought upon the first long traffic jam was hoo-boy, this new store must be pretty damn popular. No, no - this was just the immense amount of people who evidently all live down this way. Two other thoroughfares happen to run parallel with this particular road, but on this fateful day everyone, their mother, and extended family all decided they were taking this one home. And we were stuck right in the thick of it.
After a grueling commute that lasted no less than thirty-nine minutes and twenty-seven seconds, we finally arrived at our destination. Well, we almost did. Took a wrong left at a light that totally looked as though it connected into the plaza. Of course it didn't. Of course. We reach the short hill before the parking lot, a stand-alone Starbucks to my right. I happen to make eye contact with one of the employees through the window, where I likely failed to properly ingest his look of disappointment. Fuck that guy. We're about to make history here. One of the first few hundred shoppers at a new grocery store! We'll probably get a shirt or something, I bet. Maybe a bumper sticker. Beer koozies?
Turns out those freebies aren't meant for those who arrive nineteen days after the Grand Opening. Well, shit. But before we entered this fine establishment, we noticed a little phenomenon of sorts. While creeping up and down the rows searching for a place to park, we saw a shopper here or there with their grocery carts headed back to their vehicles. No big deal, but every one of the carts was being pushed by a different store employee. Interesting. Was this mandatory? Gosh, I hope not. I'm not a big people person. Not to mention I'm perfectly capable of pushing my own groceries to the car, thank you very much. Arthritis, blindness and/or Cirrhosis haven't debilitated me quite yet. We find a spot, jump out the ride, and venture on into this classy joint with stout curiosity.
Once inside, there were shoppers milling around at multiple stations providing fresh food such as subs, soups, cheeses, olives, and deli meats. Good times. A store employee leaves her deli station and starts walking down the produce aisle, where the flow of the store seems to have us headed. She smiles and says hello to us as she straightens a few bags of lettuce. Hello back, lady. Try not to bother us, okay? We've got things to do here. Carrots, broccoli, onions, and potatoes all fall into our cart, their price points nothing really special to write home about. Hang a quick right to where there's some lady offering samples of God knows what. Produce, I guess. Cheese? Whatever. No thanks. Five feet later, another sample table. No, no thanks. A few more feet, another sample table. Uh, no. Even a few more feet, yet another sample table. NO! No we don't want any, goddamn. A left around the corner there's a decent wine selection, with, you guessed it, a wine sample table. Across from that was yet another sample table. By the time we were able to navigate through the congested swath of people shoving little sample cups in our path, we were already annoyed.
The store itself was in tip-top shape. Clean lines, straightened product pushed to the edge of shelves, and almost flawless endcaps with perfect rows of snacks and other impulse buys. From a technical perspective, this place hasn't gone to shit. Not yet, anyway. Three weeks in you can expect that sort of thing.
Up and down the aisles we collected our necessities, and every moment an employee passed, they tried to be engaging. Hello, how are you doing today? Finding everything you're looking for? Need help with anything? What else are you shopping for today? Look folks, settle down, please. We know how to shop for groceries. We got this, we really do. Yeah, I'm pretty tall I can reach that top shelf just fine, thank you. No, no, you don't have to fetch something for me down in aisle four that would go well with this. Just...stop. Please.
We passed on the beer selection. Maybe if one enjoyed the typical macro-brewed carbonated urine. I'm not in college anymore, so goodnight Busch Light. There was also no small section for mixers, specifically Bloody Mary mix. Guess that's a big no-no down in this part of town. Or maybe the Bible-thump booze laws of this county haven't cast their Jesus Seal of Approval on graciously allowing this store to sell such devilish things. Whatever it was, we weren't impressed.
The real fun began at the checkout lanes. I guess the cool "rockstar customer service" thing to do now is to have some employee directing you which lane to go to. "You can go down six." How about you can go down my butt. I'll go wherever the hell I want, lady. By this point, my friend had to use the restroom, leaving me to my own devices. I manage to encounter one of the most ridiculous cashiers I've ever experienced. Is this your first time here? How was your shopping experience? Did you find everything you were looking for? Is there something maybe you didn't find that one of our personal shoppers can retrieve for you? Are you sure? YES I AM SURE. It wouldn't be a problem at all! Yes it would, because I will karate chop you in the throat if you beckon anyone for me right now.
At the end of the transaction, the bagger finishes stuffing our cart and just starts walking out the door with it.
ME: Uh, hey buddy, where ya going with our stuff?
BAGGER PERSON: Oh I was just bringing it out to your car!
ME: That's okay, I've got it from here.
BAGGER PERSON: Oh no I don't mind at all! It's part of our job!
And there's our curiosity from when we first rolled into the parking lot. Their employees are required to relentlessly try and push your groceries to your car. This would be excellent customer service if we were all ninety years old with canes and walkers. Somehow I managed to convince this fellow that it is perfectly alright for me to bring my own groceries to my own car. I scooted on out of there before he tried any more of his evil manipulative take-your-cart ways.
There is definitely a concept of too much customer service - and this new grocery store and their overly-engaging and super eager to help employees is a mighty fine way to alienate shoppers and keep the retention low. You're way too enthusiastic about helping someone at a fucking grocery store. Pump the brakes and let us shop. We know how to, really we do.