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Bloggy Blog #61

Netflix stand-up comedy special, or a TED talk?

A theatrical introduction, your name voiced by someone else through a loudspeaker, or sung by their charming voice. Arrive onstage through billows of manufactured smoke, maybe rising to the stage deus ex machina style. Wear whatever the hell you want - like denim shorts. A Hawaiian shirt. Leather-looking workout gear. A dress shirt a little too unbuttoned for someone your age.

There is wild applause from the completely sold out, cavernous arena or open-air stadium. Most stand, clapping for a solid ninety seconds as if you just saved the world. Greet the raucous crowd by identifying the city you are all in, regardless if many commuted from out of town, yourself included.

While greeting the crowd, pace around the stage, maybe clap yourself a little. Look astonished, not humbled. Point into the audience pretending you recognize someone here, or over there, and definitely up there. While pandering, say "yeah" or "woo" and especially "thank you" a few times.

Take a fake sip of whatever beverage you brought in and place it on the barstool on stage, making sure to turn the brand label away from the audience. Begin your speaking with a few more mentions of gratitude, then compliment the venue and city again. Tell the people they look good. 

Say a few lines referencing things in your life, as if everyone watching you has been following your life so closely and should already know certain personal facts about you. Go into another personal story that contains no real punchline or purpose, wherein the audience chuckles, then claps. 

Cackle yourself, then take another fake sip of your beverage. Mention how good the beverage is, staring at the bottle while holding it. Place it back on the barstool, label away. 

Laugh gently, say "ummm" or "uhhh" before going into your next bit. 

Pace around, control that audience.

While in your next bit, be sure to mutter a few "you know" lines, because the audience totally does know! Laugh again in hopes the audience laughs. Of course they do, of course they do. 

Seven minutes in and you've yet to actually say anything entertaining.

Wait until a few thousand claps fade away to laugh yourself and go into another disinteresting story. In this story, it's time to bring up a body part, like your "pussy." Or your "dick." Or "farting."

Watch as I X-out of your lifeless special, clicking on The Princess Bride instead. I watch as you rake in millions for no reason at all, left swiping to find better things. 

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