Skip to main content

Bloggy Blog #82

Well shit, Martha. I didn't expect this COVID-19 outbreak to be as severe as I thought it would be. But what the hell do I know, I'm not some infectious disease specialist. Here I am already washing my damn hands like sixteen times a day and now I'm being told it's not enough? Well, nobody's saying that per se, but they might as well be. And I'll tell you what, color me surprised that our television celebrity President isn't showing that true leadership we've come to expect from him. Just a short time ago I received a notice from our former President about some of the realities concerning this pandemic that were way better than our esteemed leader blurted out the other night. The nerve of that guy, butting his head in with facts and data. You lost, get over it!

Can we shoot the virus away? I think we can shoot it away. It's an airborne virus, is it not? Covfefe-19 doesn't stand a chance against my trusty vintage war musket. I will dip my bullets in pig's blood if that's what it comes down to. This virus is going down one way or another, Martha. You and the kids will be safe. A man's got to protect his family!

What about simple prayer? Prayer works all of the time, against anything. I've been witness to it. Cancer, addiction, global pandemics, God works in mysterious ways, but he is ready to throw down and kick ass when need be. As for those who died of cancer or catching this Corolla-19 bug, well, maybe they just didn't pray hard enough. Let's all pray together, Martha. Get the kids out of bed for this one.

One thing's for sure with this Coppola-19 virus is that the Fed needs to pump in billions of dollars so my 401K doesn't crumble down the toilet. Martha, this Democrat hoax is really affecting my stocks and investments, and if we lose that then we will most surely have to move out of our gated community. Neither I nor my collection of muskets want that, Martha. For yours and the kid's sake, I hope you don't want that either. You better not.

And if they ever come up with a cure for Cornucopia-19, it had better not be free. My hard tax dollars at work demand cures for infectious disease are placed at some of the most ridiculous price points possible, and hidden behind layers and layers of paperwork and complexities and insurance roadblocks to obtain it. Otherwise, that's socialism!

Martha, please do not fret. I will be fine. What I lack in respiratory health I make up for having the best mind. One of my uncles was a Princeton professor, Martha. Did you know that? The most brilliant brains run in my family. He once told me about this dreaded Copulate-19 virus, years ago. So I knew about it, and just didn't tell anyone. I was very busy, sorry. Anyway Martha, can you please send me some of your delicious baked ziti, along with what looks to be approximately $872.59? There are no more athletic events for a while and I need to, well, reimburse some colleagues. I look forward to your shipment!

Best,
   Abraham

Popular posts from this blog

Bloggy Blog #84

The first time I visited, I had to park across the street in the lot of an abandoned gas station. The lot itself went up a slight hill, and the station's sign would occasionally spin some slow turns whenever the town spirits wanted to have some fun.  She lived in a questionably constructed building on the second floor of this sleepy Revolutionary War town, adjacent to a craft store that was hardly ever open. In the basement sat a four-lane bowling alley and a small bar. It was by appointment only, which really meant the building's landlord had to be there to serve drinks and keep an eye on the action. I didn't get a chance to bowl down there, but seeing the construction of the building, this was probably a good thing. When she moved out of her place, part of the process involved placing a three-foot wide plank over the bowling alley basement stairs, in order to move big furniture out. Needless to say she left the heavy lifting to the moving experts.  The new plac...
Read more

Bloggy Blog #97

   A few weeks ago, the last of my father's counter top appliances went kaput. It was an unnecessarily large microwave. I used it from time to time to heat up frozen dinners for him, or to reheat my own leftovers. He used it a whole lot more than I ever did, specifically to reheat coffee. He'll brew his little hotel-sized pot of coffee every morning around six-thirty, pour it into a cup, place a lid on it, then let it sit on the kitchen table. About two hours later I'm up and moving around, and that cup is still on the table. He'll reheat it before 9:30, then leave it covered on the table. Sometimes he will reheat it two or three times, thirty seconds to a minute each, in the span of an hour. I don't know what the proper temperature he desires for his coffee, but most of the time, whatever it is, is not it. So he puts a lid on it and just...walks away.  My parents moved into this apartment fifteen years ago. I was living three time zones away at the time, unable to ...
Read more

Bloggy Blog #93

  In all fairness, I've just stopped counting the years. I mean, I know how old I am today, sure. I just don't care to tell anyone. And there's nothing wrong with this approach, really. I'm not lying on any application forms, nor any other random documents that ask for my date of birth. Those who need to know, know. And that should be good enough, right? A friend recently asked if I knew what time I was born. For some reason I thought this was listed on birth certificates, but they are not - at least not back then at this particular hospital. I remember my mother saying sometime in the very early hours overnight, to perhaps sometime at dawn. I also remember her saying I was supposed to be born on the 16th. That must have been pretty annoying for her. Imagine hoping to get some rest overnight and then BOOM, it's time. Guess I needed an extra day's nap in there? Who knows. I do share a birthday with a handful of celebrities and great people. Michelle Obama, Jim Ca...
Read more