About twice a year, I put myself into some unnecessarily stressful situation. It is something that could be remedied fairly quickly, but I seem to much rather hem and haw over the logistics. And not just for one day, when the time comes I will do this for weeks on end, very much annoying those around me in the process.
I'm not sure why I go about it this way, but I do. I don't have to, you see. A sensible solution to something that isn't even a real problem could be made within minutes, and without needing an appointment, probably completed within the hour. Then I would come back to my little abode, stop with the indecisiveness, and get on with my life.
Obviously, what I am talking about is getting a haircut.
There's a couple of reasons why I put myself through such a useless self-imposed torture chamber. The first excuse is that I never know how to clearly state just what I want done to my hair. Growing up I would always just tell them to shave the sides and back, with just a little off the top. This was the 90's, where we all went for that boy band look. I didn't have a beard back then, so the finished product wasn't too menacing. But I certainly cannot go back to some style trend of over twenty years ago, can I? Of course not. But nowadays I don't know what I want. I have a mild receding hairline I prefer they crop it close to that, but that's where my proposals seem to end. I might say get rid of the side curls as well. But what if that's all that really needs done? I surely don't know, which leads me to another excuse...
...I don't feel like talking to strangers. If I am very much not interested in making small talk, how can I possibly state what I want done to my hair? How do introverts get haircuts? I know they're just trying to do their jobs, but I don't WANNA make chit chat. Especially while you have sharp pointy things aimed at my skull. Maybe I could just cut out a photo from a magazine of a hairstyle I like and show it to them upon arrival, that would do the trick. But that won't stop the inevitable "so, you've been watching the Olympics?" while clippers are buzzing right behind my ears.
COVID has certainly become a factor in play. I am vaccinated, but still do not fully trust people. I keep a small circle of safe colleagues and places I go to, and am slightly terrified of entering any new building. Maybe it would be less of a problem if the barber was inside of the Publix or dollar store I frequent. Or the liquor store, man that would be convenient.
My remedy for this dumb dilemma is, as one does, just cutting and trimming it myself. I once told a barber this and they just shook their head, likely because they could very easily tell I did indeed cut it myself. My process here involves clippers, two mirrors, a broom to clean things up, and a small bench in the bathroom. I also need to strip down to my boxers because there will be head hairs flying everywhere, and who wants to spend the next fifty minutes brushing hair off most of your clothing?
I start by attaching a short guide thingy on the blade part. I think they're called guides, who knows. Well, maybe a barber does. I start from the front and work my way to the back of my dumb skull. In rows, like I'm mowing a big brown lawn. The hair trickles its way down to the floor, or to my shoulders and arms where I have to brush it off onto the floor. Once I finish, I inspect the back. Unlike some, I do not have eyes in the back of my head, so I can't see how it's looking back there. This is where the two mirrors come into play, one handheld and the one above the sink. Most of the time, about 110% of the time, I will decide the back looks just hideous and need to keep working on it. I pick a shorter guide, or no guide at all, and just trim up the best I can all over. And then once again the idea of cutting the hair myself essentially turns into just honking all my damn hair off.
I might need an intervention with all of this. Please help me throw out my clippers. I have two of them, for some reason. Well, the older one may or may not be starting to rust. Not good! The newer one has WAY too many guide lengths. Too complicated! And if I do shave it off again, I worry about the shampoo I'm potentially letting waste away in the shower, and now we're back to square one. Hair (and my decision making) is stupid!