The Bloggy Blogface!

   For starters, I am somewhat impressed you are all here at six in the early evening when it is still eighty-six degrees outside and sunny. I'm pretty sure the humidity is around 648% as well.That's some damn dedication.  As for me, I am here because I am fat. I mean, I probably am, according to WebMD, my mom, and Judgey McJudgerson over there. Whatever. I JUST LOVE PIZZA SO MUCH. And booze, really, but that's totally more of a coping mechanism. Anyway, I am only here because I need some cardio in my life. Lower that blood pressure or something, I guess. Maybe tack on an extra day or two of my life toward the end. I just feel compelled to do it at the hottest time of the day. I tried this too when I was living in Louisiana. Ninety-four degree afternoons with a gazillion-percent humidity and I'd be out there trying to burn calories on the track. Some good that did. So, I am here, and you are here. I am here to walk around your fields. Four of them to be precise, ea...

   Either Rachel Dolezal has a serious personality disorder, or her family is just so messed up she successfully (for awhile) distanced herself from them using one of the most extreme methods she could imagine. Those are really the only two possibilities here, other than being just plain batshit crazy in denial. I bring up Dolezal's misfortune because Father's Day is coming up. No, I am not Dolezal's father - although I wouldn't put it past her to try and take that stance. My father, however, is white - so I'm sure both he and I are out of the running for that circus and likely future Lifetime movie. For Mother's Day, along with a card I included a gift card to Dunkin' Donuts, where she buys way too many bags of coffee to stash away in case an apocalypse strikes. Because I do not want to be a jerk of a son, I am going to include a gift card for my father this Sunday as well. The problem is that it cannot be a Dunkin' Donuts card, as he does not d...

Fluff From a Pottery Barn Catalog    In villages throughout the Hungarian countryside, these antique wide-mouthed glass jars were once used for the oldest form of food preservation. Like glassware used in cafes, ours has a classic-paneled design highlighted by a uniquely faceted base. Traditional teardrop-shaped handles and a mirror finish make our Classic Flatware both a versatile and stylish choice. Crafted of dense, heavy earthenware, these generously-sized pieces are hand glazed and microwave- and dishwasher-safe.     Give your space instant freshness and artisanal warmth with our new collection of pillow covers. Vibrant songbirds drawn from 19 th -century ornithology books brighten our pillow covers. Our oversized print of an antique bird illustration has the marks and stains of age. This irresistibly soft popcorn-stitched bedding is perfect for cozy nights. If your favorite pajamas could be made into bedding, it would be this supremely comforta...

   On a seasonably warm Friday afternoon, a friend and I decided a new adventure should be in order. And because we both live life on the motherfucking edge , this adventure was going to involve grocery shopping. A brand new place! And not just new in location, but new as in new new. As in they just built that shit, man. This was going to be the greatest afternoon ever. This new place was a grocery chain new to town, located on the south side. Our interest - like many other folks, I'm sure - was peaked ultimately by the incessant advertising the store took announcing it was coming to the area. Hi X Town, we're coming. Hello, X Town, we're on our way. Hi X Town, we're almost there. Soon, X Town, very soon. Hey X Town did you hear? We're almost there. Welcome to us, X Town. Please come in. Enjoy us X Town. We're here. We're open. Hey X Town, we're open now. Did you hear? We are open for you, X Town. Please, come in and enjoy us. We are here for you! ...

It all started with that damn China cabinet.    Every few years, I had to help move it. Or at best, help clear a path so older and stronger folks could help move it. Upstairs, always upstairs. Never on the first floor because hey that would just make sense, right? I could never wrap my head around why they always needed to move it. Throw the damn thing out. Get something smaller. Goddamn, these people's backs are hurting. My back is hurting just watching them. But soon they settled on a place, and naturally I skipped town to waste years away in college. Of course they ended up staying somewhere the moment I left. Of course.  Long before that, Saturdays were the best days. Usually the mall, maybe Hoffman's, Kaydeross Park, or Collins Park. Lazy weekends spent splashing around and keeping active so we'd likely conk out early. I'm sure that was their plan, at least. Throw in a few morning bowling league action and they sure kept us busy Saturdays, and sometimes Sunda...

   Deep in the looming catastrophe that is my closet sits a very nice black wool coat. It does not rest on a hangar. It is folded up on the shelf, a slew of unfolded sweaters piled on top of it. It's already February, the thick of winter, and I haven't used it. I didn't use it last year, nor the year before, or the year before that. I can't, really, because I am not allowed to.  The last few years I lived in Manhattan, I experienced the tremendous arc of weather that's almost unlike anywhere else in this country. Summers of what felt like scalding hundred-degree temperatures thanks to the sun bouncing off all of the materials that make up that vertical city. Mild winters packed with wind tunnels and slush puddles splashed around by cab drivers with zero fucks to give. You learn how to dress for the elements rather quickly there.  During the summers in the city, most of your retail stores and bodegas keep their entrances open for the public. Which is strange, be...

  Note to the Chapstick I left under the couch for about a month  Look, it wasn't my fault, so I don't know why you're so upset with me. If anything, it certainly wasn't deliberate. Many factors came into play as to how you wound up staying under there, but I won't get into too much of them for the sake of brevity. You see, many moons ago I fell in love with one of your forefathers. I don't think he was a father per se, but he resembled you. A lot. He might have been a different flavor, however. Needless to say, at first I was hesitant to put him on my lips. There was just something about him, you know? This little tiny stick taking its cap off and rubbing it all around the outside of my mouth - I mean who does that? It's kind of rude. But soon I found out that it was not rude, and very much necessary. He was a blessing in disguise, especially after brushing my teeth. Our relationship blossomed. Soon I was using him multiple times a day. It felt di...