Welcome to America, ebola! Glad to have you. Well, alright, we're probably not that glad to have you. But that's okay. The awkwardness will wear itself out soon enough.
So, what brings you to America? Really? You don't say? Well, that is really terrible. Oh wow. I didn't know that. Well, it seems like you might not be too popular with the townsfolk there, so maybe it's a good thing you left. Or maybe you haven't left there, it seems. Looks like you've been coming over here from time to time. Great. Um..sure. Well, uh, maybe you should just have a seat way over there for a bit. And don't spit on me, please. Does anyone have a hazmat suit I can borrow?
Anyway, I thought you'd like to know just how much we love you here, we really do. It may not seem like it, but we care deeply. We want to understand you better, learn what makes you tick, and maybe develop better medicine to..well, fight you. Fight? Sorry, that's too negative. To...work with you. Help us make you feel better about the bad rep you're getting lately.
I say lately because not many people out there know that you've been around for quite some time. You got your first big break in the 1970's, shortly after I was born (coincidence?). You've been in the game for awhile, baby. But, alas, nobody gave much of a rat's behind back then. Mostly because you were in Africa. Well, you still are, but you're on the move! Why? Because we're silly and keep flying planes out of wherever you're centrally located. And why the hell not? People have the right to fly, no? You're damn right they do.
I'm not too sure of your adventures to the Americas prior to this year, as they seem to be largely undocumented. However, I will say this - you have quite the sterling reputation here in America, Mr. Ebola. There seems to be a great divide here between those who are kind of, sort of worried about you, those who couldn't give a crap, and those who absolutely fucking love you. Let's analyze these three groups, shall we? Good.
So, what brings you to America? Really? You don't say? Well, that is really terrible. Oh wow. I didn't know that. Well, it seems like you might not be too popular with the townsfolk there, so maybe it's a good thing you left. Or maybe you haven't left there, it seems. Looks like you've been coming over here from time to time. Great. Um..sure. Well, uh, maybe you should just have a seat way over there for a bit. And don't spit on me, please. Does anyone have a hazmat suit I can borrow?
Anyway, I thought you'd like to know just how much we love you here, we really do. It may not seem like it, but we care deeply. We want to understand you better, learn what makes you tick, and maybe develop better medicine to..well, fight you. Fight? Sorry, that's too negative. To...work with you. Help us make you feel better about the bad rep you're getting lately.
I say lately because not many people out there know that you've been around for quite some time. You got your first big break in the 1970's, shortly after I was born (coincidence?). You've been in the game for awhile, baby. But, alas, nobody gave much of a rat's behind back then. Mostly because you were in Africa. Well, you still are, but you're on the move! Why? Because we're silly and keep flying planes out of wherever you're centrally located. And why the hell not? People have the right to fly, no? You're damn right they do.
I'm not too sure of your adventures to the Americas prior to this year, as they seem to be largely undocumented. However, I will say this - you have quite the sterling reputation here in America, Mr. Ebola. There seems to be a great divide here between those who are kind of, sort of worried about you, those who couldn't give a crap, and those who absolutely fucking love you. Let's analyze these three groups, shall we? Good.
Ebola! (not really)
Group 1: those who are worried about you.
This is a very concerned group, but let's not get it twisted. They're not worried about you. Hate to break it to you, I know. They're worried about themselves. More importantly, their children, their parents, grandparents - mostly anyone they know who is not them. They are an interesting bunch. Nothing is ever too safe for their precious selves. And that's fine. You're scaring them. But, you see, it's not really you scaring them. Confusing, I know. I'll get more into that later.
Group 2: those who couldn't give a crap about you.
I'll be honest, I'm in this grou...hey, wait! Where are you going? Please don't go. I mean you should go, at some point, but not right now. We're still talking. It's okay. Just...have a seat back over there. Please. No, a few more chairs down. That's good, right there. And cover your mouth. Listen, I'm in this group, but it doesn't mean I hate you. Really, it doesn't. You're kind of a crummy guy, but we'll let that slide for now. Just let me explain our stance here in Group 2. We care, but we don't care. What do we not care about, you ask? Simple. We don't care about Group 1. Well, we do, but it's probably not what you think. We want those in Group 1 to be alright, to feel safe, because we're cool people ourselves. We're just not drinking the Kool-Aid. What? No, there's no actual Kool-Aid here. It's tasty, I know, but we don't have any here. Basically, us here at Group 2 are not drinking what Group 1 is drinking. They're afflicted, you see. No, not with you. Not yet, I don't think. That would suck. Don't attack them, please. Anyway, yeah, we care about you, but we don't care. It's ambiguous, sure. But there's one more group we need to get into. Or I need to get into. Please don't get into this next group. In fact, stop getting into anyone. Please.
Group 3: those who absolutely fucking love you.
This is a a very simple group. They only care about one thing and one thing only. That one thing is their bottom line. The almighty dollar.
The problem with Group 3 is that these people are in charge of the media. They put things on screens and we just eat it up. Click-baits, click-throughs, you name it, they want us to do it. And they found you! They found you and are shoving you into every waking conversation they can while labeling it an "epidemic", because things that kill more people in this land (flu, cancer) are way too fucking boring for ratings. Don't act like you don't know what ratings are. Come on. Ratings equal money. No not for you, for them. You're nothing more than the latest scare trend here in the states. I'm sure you're upset by that, as you should be. You wanted to be so much more. You've ravaged African nations! And now you're over here possibly contaminating a few people out of the three hundred twenty fucking billion of us. And that ratio is totally good enough to get Big Media fear-mongering into our heads and scaring the shit out of Group 1 up there.
Hate to break it to you, but you're the trendy flavor of the month. The new swine flu. Don't worry, because once Black Friday inches closer, you'll be quite the afterthought.
Hate to break it to you, but you're the trendy flavor of the month. The new swine flu. Don't worry, because once Black Friday inches closer, you'll be quite the afterthought.